This weekend I will be attending the bachelor party of a friend, the second one to fall victim so far. They're all starting to drop like flies, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be sent off to the drudgery of monogamy with style. This bachelor party happens to be that brand of bachelor party - the testosterone filled chaotic and crazy drunk-fest in the city that invented infidelity; Las Vegas. There will be some twenty of us boys attending, and we've already set aside bail for safe measure. This being our first such bachelor party, none of us know what to expect but we have a general idea thanks to Hollywood. If movies are any indication, by Sunday we will have been involved in at least one murder or heist, cheated on at least 3 of our girlfriends or wives, and at the very least one of us will end up completely broke while another will be going home in a Ferrari. With luck, none of us will succumb to the traditional "pen in the neck". So here are a few movies about Vegas that we can all do well to learn from and follow in example:
Swingers (1996)
I start out with the most obvious choice because of the way this movie itself starts out - with Jon Favreau's character Mikey leaving message after message on his ex-girlfriend's answering machine in one of the most disturbing portrayals of a breakup victim. With the help of his irreverently charming friend Trent (played by the now increasingly tiresome Vince Vaughn) Mikey is able to kick the break-up blues how? 
I'll give you a hint: it doesn't involve time, self-improvement, introspection, or a support group (unless it's a support group that goes "ding ding ding ding" and spills quarters out onto the floor). That's right, Mikey is cured in true Vegas style - quickly, dangerously, hilariously, and most importantly: with rebound chicks.
Lessons learned:
For those us who may be going through a painful breakup, you're about to catch a break. Vegas will offer you the quick fix you need. The big lesson to be learned: rely on your friends who've got game with the ladies to help you overcome your pathetic nervousness about talking to women. Eventually, you'll become better at it than them.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Nicholas Cage plays a devorcee in one of his better roles before he decided to become the biggest douchebag ever to attempt being an action hero. Vegas isn't all about wild times, gambling, and partying it up - it's also about drinking, depression, suicidal tendencies, and the softer side of hookers. Lessons Learned: If the "get it out of your system" Swingers style approach doesn't kick those break-up blues, do it Leaving Las Vegas style and drink yourself close to death. Chances are you'll run into a fine ass hooker who you'll end up marrying. It could turn out to be the best mistake of your life.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
In what is surely the most insane bender ever written about, filmed, or possibly even attempted in real life (RIP Hunter), Fear and Loathing is a veritable treasure trove of tips, tidbits, and lessons when it comes to partying it up in Vegas.
- Don't get into the ether.
- Don't take too much adrenachrome
- Don't stop in the middle of the desert outside of Barstow - it's bat country.
- If you have a suitcase full of drugs, don't check into a hotel that's hosting a cop convention.
- Avoid going to Vegas during any cop conventions altogether.
- If you break rule #1, don't go to Circus Circus.
- Once you get into locked a serious drug collection, push it as far as you can.
- Don't use your real name when checking into hotels.
- If you break rule #2, bring a fly swatter for protection.
- Don't burn the locals, abuse the tourists, or terrify the help
- If you break rule #10, go to such excess that anyone in the position to bring the hammer down on you wouldn't believe it.
Ocean's Eleven (2001,1960 )
Vegas sees wide variety of people come and go; swingers, families, old people, gangsters, movie stars, the elderly, newlyweds, young couples, and senior citizens among many. The one constant through all of this is the presence of the swindlers. And whether you refer to Clooney's or Ol' Blue Eyes' version, there are many lessons to be learned, from Linus' (Matt Damon) deft pocket picking to Rusty's (Brad Pitt) card sharking, to $160 million dollar heists, it would be wise to take heed. Lessons Learned:
- Don't bring $160 million to Vegas
- Watch your pockets
- Play the game like you have nothing to lose.
Casino (1995)
Casino is a great movie. It's got gangsters, drugs, floozies, violence, it's a Scorsese, and it's got Fucking-Joe-Pesci! And since we're not gangsters, there's really only one thing we can learn from this movie, as taught by the Pesci himself. It's the one thing from this film that sticks in everyone's mind, no pun intended.
Lesson Learned:
Stay away from pens/people with pens
Very Bad Things (1998)
And finally, we arrive at the blueprint itself. This movie is actually about a bachelor party in Vegas. Perfect! In Very Bad Things, Christian Slater, Jon Favreau (again), and the recently popular Jeremy Piven show us what it truly means to have a killer time in vegas. Friendships are tested, bonds are strengthened, hookers are expire, and lessons are learned. I doubt we'll even kill one person while we're in Vegas, but I'm sure we'll have end up having a great time anyways. Lesson Learned: If you accidently kill the hooker your having sex with by ramming her up against a coat hook, turn yourself in if a security guard finds out. Not doing so could potentially ruin what would otherwise have been a perfect Vegas weekend. So there you have it. I know I'll be taking my adrenechrome in moderation, and I hope all my buddies do as well. Whatever happens, I'm sure we're in for one wild ride. Hollywood, don't let me down!
